Episode 74: Supporting Our Stars with Karyn Macfarlane
What You’ll Learn
Karyn Macfarlane-Supporting Stars (01:42)
Why Supporting Stars (02:15)
Tactics for Supporting Our Spouses (06:18)
Where to Find Karyn (33:50)
Recently I was so struck when I heard Jordan Peterson say in an interview, “It’s really something to see, constantly, how many people are dying for lack of an encouraging word. And how easy it is to provide that, if they’re careful, give credit where credit is due, and to say you’re a force for good if you want to be.”
That's so true on a wider scale, but it's even more true in our homes and when it comes to our people doing challenging things. Sometimes I think we can be...disenchanted/burned out, want to save them, or being downright hostile toward our spouse's goals, priorities, or vocations.
There's a lot of talk and support out there for going after our own goals, but today we wanted to turn the tables...so we've invited someone really special here to talk about how we can support our spouses in THEIR goals…
Karyn Macfarlane-Supporting Stars (01:42)
Karyn is a Catholic Christian, a wife, a mom of three children 12 and under, a professional violinist, and a certified professional coach.
She is the Founder and Owner of Supporting Stars, where she helps women in relationships with pro athletes and performing artists.
Karyn is passionate about helping create strong families for high-level performers.
Why Supporting the Stars (02:15)
Karyn was drawn to her mission because, over time, she realized that she wasn’t being a true valuable support to her husband—who’s a professional musician—in spite of her own career as a professional violinist. As spouses, as hard as it may be to admit, we set the tone.
While Karyn works specifically with the spouses of professional athletes and musicians, she has wisdom for ALL of us!
It’s important to mention too, that everyone needs support in different ways, so becoming a student of your spouse is an excellent place to start!
Tactics for Supporting Our Spouses (06:18)
Karyn is a beautiful example of supporting her spouse in a big audacious goal. And we know that your work is specific to the spouses of professional musicians and athletes, but we really feel your advice can be applied to all of us!
Have BELIEF in him
- Not just the belief that he can do a good job in whatever it is that he’s working on, a performance coming up or a game or whatever.
- Belief that he really does have your best interest in mind - for YOU, the woman he loves, and for your family (always remember—you're on the same team).
Work on Yourself
-Whether you define this as “self-care” or cultivating your own interests/hobbies—or both—filling your own cup will allow you to have more (or anything) to give.
- The usual story about the oxygen masks on the plane - we always think, oh gosh I have to help others first!
- Often, the feeling of continuous giving and giving and giving can lead to resentment. You can still give, but you have to give to yourself as well.
-Self-care can be as simple as a heartfelt, “Good morning God!” before your feet hit the floor!
-It’s ok to say to your kids, “I can’t do that right now.”
Be Aware of Your Timing
- Be aware of when you're bringing up concerns, whether they're about your relationship, the kids, the house, travel schedule, whatever.
- Does he have a big audition/performance/game tomorrow? maybe don't bring it up tonight or as he’s walking out the door to that thing. Not even a “Can we talk about xyz” later?” Have it actually BE later.
- Unless something is an actual emergency, it can probably wait.
Practice Humility
-You don’t always have to be right!
-Just kick your pride to the side.
- "Not arguing” falls into this category! Quick answer: I support him by not arguing. I know that sounds vague and somewhat lame, HOWEVER, pushback is his most not favorite thing. So unless there’s a situation that is truly dangerous (define for yourself), I try not to argue. TRY being the key word here!)
-Consider that he DOES have your best interest in mind!
-This can be particularly difficult when you have a spouse who travels.
Pray for Him, for You, for Everything
-Of course! Prayer for our husbands, for our children, and for ourselves. God wants to be in our lives and he wants us to turn to him and ask him for help! He can help us support our loved ones!
-(And for those listeners who may be really struggling… I encourage them to consider that God didn’t create us in order for us to be miserable, and we are with our partners for a reason. —not sure we really want to get into this on the recording, but it’s a concept that I think about a lot.)
The list of tactics is endless, but if you begin with these, you’ll find what works for you. Perhaps the MOST important thing is to use these over and over again (once really isn’t enough).
One piece of advice Karyn would give herself as a new wife would be…two things!
First, this is temporary. Everything changes. Whatever is happening right now will be different tomorrow, or next week, or in two weeks. This is temporary.
Secondly, God knows. I don’t know. It’s in His hands. Do your best with the tools you have, and if the ones you have aren’t working, find new tools. This is in God’s hands.
Where to Find Karyn (33:50)
Karyn is running a beta experience of her MVP (most valuable partner) program here. She also has a freebie called, “5 Ways to Stay Sane While Your Man is on the Road,” and you can get that here. Finally, Karyn is @Karynmacfarlane on Instagram.
