Episode 127: Systems that Alleviate Stress with Sterling Jaquith
What You’ll Learn
Large Family Life (02:00)
Creating Systems (07:05)
Becoming a Scientist (08:43)
Creating Systems (Revisited) (15:45)
Where Did You Feel Stress (16:50)
Asking for Input from Kids (18:18)
When to Evaluate (22:08)
Being a Student of Your Children (32:25)
Choosing What to Tackle (34:28)
Questions for Sterling (46:45)
She’s a wife, a homeschooling momma to 6 beautiful souls, an author, a podcaster, a speaker, an entrepreneur, and a Catholic business coach who teaches women to discern God’s will for their lives and businesses! Can we talk about wearing different hats mommas?!
AND…she’s coming with the fire today! Sweet mommas, may we introduce Sterling Jaquith.
The Deliberate Day 12-Week Planner is on sale in the shop! If you follow us on Instagram THIS is the planner you see almost every day in stories, and Brittany has used it every, single day for over five years now!
It is what she uses to get ahead …it gives her clarity and focus, and honestly, a massive amount of peace. There are SO many people, things, and thoughts…when Brittany can look at these things in the morning and list the MOST important, it sets her up for success.
Each evening, she looks back at the day, sees where she was successful, where she struggled, and what needs to be changed for tomorrow.
If this sounds like something YOU need right now, head to The Deliberate Day and put the 12-Week Planner into your cart and use the code PODCASTMOM to get 20% off!
Large Family Life (02:00)
There’s a lot of advice out there, but The Deliberate Day offers advice and tips for LARGE families. Brittany’s tipping point was 5 kids, and that was tough!
Sterling had 6 kids in 8 years, no background with large family life, and she learned quickly that she needed to create systems to survive. There are still the normal, everyday fights…but, she doesn’t feel like she’s drowning or losing her mind.
The last few years have been challenging. Especially for moms, who feel exhausted at the end of each day.
Sterling was sitting with a friend one time, and when she asked about goal setting, her friend said she actually didn’t set up goals anymore. This isn’t unusual for moms who have a bunch of kids, because they feel like there’s NOTHING they can control.
Creating Systems (07:05)
Sterling shifted from setting goals to creating systems. For example, her family eats the same thing for breakfast each day. For other meals, they put a protein in a slow cooker, some rice in an instant pot, and some frozen veggies (accompanied by a sauce). So, essentially, they are eating the same thing…just with a different feel each night.
Becoming a Scientist (08:43)
Sterling teaches women to be scientists in their own lives. There’s no right or wrong way to do things! But if we live our lives on a day-to-day basis and see it as an experiment, as data, then we can use our exceptional problem-solving skills to make tomorrow better.
Little reassessments and little movements can make a BIG difference. But…these do require some work.
Teaching older children to do anything is super annoying. You really need to give it 30 days for it to be successful. Sterling’s 12-year-old does all the dishes, and the 10 year-old does all the laundry, and it took several months to train each of them! All of these basic tasks can take time up front to train, but in the end it is SO worth it. Although it WILL take more time than you think (30 training sessions is pretty realistic).
Creating Systems (Revisited) (15:45)
The first ‘goal’ you may decide to establish might be testing out systems until everyone knows where to put their things in the entryway when they come home. The first barrier is probably going to be the kids NOT using the hooks or cubbies you’ve established, and you’ll act surprised! If you can expect this, and make it to the end of the week, you might see the issues with your system (if you evaluate).
Where Did You Feel Stress (16:50)
Moms do not take the time to slow down and look at the day before. Asking yourself a few questions…
What happened?
When did I freak out?
Most moms are walking around in a stressed state, and there is NO access to the problem-solving brain. In fact, Sterling believes that many moms are setting goals while they’re stressed.
Asking for Input from Kids (18:18)
Many years ago, Sterling wrote a book about minimalism for large families. In her experience, she’s learned to take input from kids with a few caveats…age and personality. Especially in a child’s room, if you can get their opinion, it is helpful.
For larger tasks, such as the entryway and the ski rack that Sterling’s husband built, there isn’t a need for extra opinions, but there is ALWAYS a need for training. In fact, with the ski gear, an older child was assigned to a younger child to make sure hats and gloves were put up before meals.
It’s these little things that can make ALL the difference.
It’s 100 issues like gloves that will cause you to lose your mind.
When to Evaluate (22:08)
Is there a certain time you recommend when a mom should evaluate her day? This depends on each individual’s personality. Sterling prefers to do her evaluation in the morning…a nursing mother with a baby may want to do it at 10am…another mom may want to do it before bed.
The starting point is always stress…ask yourself a question…
Where did I lose my peace? (Check out Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Jacques Philippe). One example that we all can probably identify with is trying to get out the door.
Predictably, kids will NOT cooperate. The solution is asking 5 minutes per kid early (6 kids = 30 minutes). If this happens all the time (which it does), we CAN plan for it. A big resistance that moms have is asking more than one time (because it can feel very personal when a child doesn’t listen).
The thing is, children lack skills (emotional regulation, HOW to do it, etc.). Kids SHOULD obey and respect their parents, but training is ALWAYS required. All it takes is 5 minutes a day to assess these things. Just KNOW that this is a process that will go on forever.
Laundry…Brittany’s oldest son gets very angry if he’s just finished a towel load and someone brings in a towel. She had to go as far as to make him a visual on a whiteboard to explain the system of laundry (because we ALL know it isn’t a finish-able task).
Being a Student of Your Children (32:25)
Part of problem-solving is understanding the different personality types of your children. This may make it necessary to pull your child aside occasionally and explain the situation to them, and how it’s important to be charitable to those around us. In Sterling’s family, they actually don’t fold clothes anymore.
She recommends constantly challenging the status quo and asking, “Do we need to do this? Does it need to be done this way?” This is a gift that we can bring to our homes as moms.
Choosing What to Tackle (34:28)
Any mom might be able to pick 1,000 moments when she felt stress in her body when she was starting out, so Sterling recommends beginning with the obvious. The first thing Sterling usually tackles with mothers is noise in the home.
Even soldiers aren’t in battle all the time…mothers are on the clock from 6:30 in the morning (when little ones wake up) to 9:30 at night (when teenagers want to talk). Noise can be like bullets whizzing by you all the time, so that’s the first place moms need to start.
It doesn’t have to be like that. Moms can create quiet time, quiet spaces…you can even use an accessory or a piece of clothing (like a bow) as a cue to children that you need quiet or aren’t available.
Children make a bid for attention, a parent responds, and it’s resolved. If you are careful with your capacity…if you manage your noise throughout the day, you can avoid the situation where you’re snapping at everyone later in the day. The more you practice this, the more you’ll have the ability to serve your children in the moments you really need to.
If you have a set time when you’ll have a break, where you have something to look forward to, you can coach yourself through a more stressful time earlier in the day. It’s just a couple of tools…and they can be life-changing!
It’s like if you bought a house and someone gave you scissors to cut the lawn, but after doing this for a while, you learn that lawnmowers exist! You still have the work of cutting the lawn, but it is SO much easier!
Questions for Sterling (46:45)
Sterling’s mom superpower is admitting she doesn’t know what to do. She has the humility to just try something.
If Sterling could go back to one stage, she would go back to right before she had the Irish Triplets (3 boys in 3 years) and she would tell herself that it isn’t going to be like this forever. Eating some string cheese and watching Netflix isn’t going to hurt the children. She would just say, “Hang on, it will change.”
Our guest is great at reading and assimilating complex information and making it simple. She and her husband are great at hosting, even 40-50 people at a time. She takes everything to discernment and is VERY religious…she prays for EVERYTHING. In fact, she prays over each child every Sunday. Finally, Sterling LOVES dogs! She was a dog trainer in her second business and they are SO special to her.
The Jaquith family is a camping family, and that makes them special. Her husband is excellent with their own kids and even takes other dads and kids camping. They do the Rosary outside and bring prayer into the experience, it’s just wonderful.
Takeaways
Evaluate daily challenges and make small adjustments to improve the next 24 hours of your life.
Shift from setting goals to creating systems to reduce stress and increase efficiency.
Train children to take on responsibilities and problem-solve.
Be a student of your children and tailor systems to meet their needs. Create quiet time and spaces for yourself and your children to recharge and have moments of calm.
Set boundaries for attention and teach your children to respect your need for space and quiet.
Find tools and strategies to cope with the challenges of motherhood, and don't be afraid to seek help and guidance.
Pray and practice discernment to find clarity and guidance in your parenting journey.
Where to Find Sterling Jaquith (54:15)
You can find Sterling at her website and whatever stage of business you’re at, she’s got something for you!
She also has a podcast, Made for Business, which is a calling within a calling. Having a business can be different in each stage of motherhood. We all feel like we’re making it up, but if God is truly calling you to business, HE will guide you through.
Don’t have a business? Sterling has you covered too! You can check out her Catholic Mom Calm website, then get her new book Catholic Mom Calm. Not a reader? Check out her Catholic Mom Calm podcast. Prefer social media? Head to Instagram and see her @catholicmomcalm
Are you ready to look at goals differently as systems? You can easily grab a spiral notebook, jot a few things down, and choose one place to start! If you’d like a pretty place to do this, grab The Deliberate Day 12-Week Planner in our shop (it’s on sale!) and use the code PODCASTMOM for another 20% off!
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And never forget…
You are doing beautiful work!
