Episode 118: You’re Arguing With Your Reality With Catherine Johnson
What You’ll Learn
How Has Anger Shown Up in Your Life (03:26)
When Reality Does NOT Meet the Expectations (05:40)
The Yelley Mom (25:18)
Expectations vs. Reality (30:00)
Self-Awareness (33:00)
Catholic Mindset Coaching (36:00)
Anger (44:20)
Where to go from Angry (49:00)
Practices & Tactics (59:57)
Rapid Fire Questions (01:09:30)
More from Catherine (01:15:05)
We’re coming back after a long series on miscarriage, and originally we wanted to release this interview in a different month, but after the interview with Catherine Johnson, we KNEW that it actually belonged right here, between our discussion on loss and our discussion coming up on welcoming the holiday season.
As beautiful as the holidays are, they can also bring a slew of many other emotions that are LESS enjoyable…overwhelm, resentment, anger, bitterness…because when we get overwhelmed we can feel like EVERYTHING depends on us!
These emotions can come out in all kinds of different ways, and they can waterfall into our families. Especially during times of high stress…like the holidays.
If you’ve gone through something like a miscarriage or a loss, it can put you in a state of fragility already. So, Catherine comes on and speaks about how we sometimes argue with our reality and if we can get to a point where we understand that, we can move FROM that point with better healing, better understanding, and better control over our emotions.
Here’s one thing we’ve learned, one of the BEST ways to marry your expectations is The Deliberate Day Planner. Brittany uses it every single day, she gets a plan for her day laid out and she looks at the capacity she has, so her reality can much better meet up with her expectations for herself, her children, her husband, and her WHOLE day!
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Today we're going to chat with Catherine Johnson, wife, momma to 3, and Catholic Mindset Coach who has a particular calling to guide mothers, with a special heart for those who struggle with anger because of her own relationship with it. She leads women into a motherhood filled with more gratitude, peace, and authentic joy!
In addition to her work, she loves spending time with her husband and kids, and reads, bakes, crafts, cooks, makes music, and LOVES learning new things!
Catherine we are so happy you're here today!
How Has Anger Shown Up in Your Life (03:26)
Catherine has a memory of when she was a toddler—very young—and she was SO angry that she put a hole in the door! Pretty intense for a little one…characteristically she wasn’t a puncher, a biter, a yeller, or a thrower, but that one time is when she can REALLY remember the anger showing up.
Now, Catherine has learned about the temperaments and she knows she’s a Melancholic Choleric. Cholerics tend to anger more easily, and particularly, the Melancholic wants it perfect, and the Choleric wants is perfect NOW.
When Reality Does NOT Meet the Expectations (05:40)
As she grew older, Catherine learned to manage her anger…until motherhood (because there’s little space to process with littles around). So, with her first baby—even in pregnancy—these feelings of anger and frustration began to show up.
For our guest, she struggled with difficult pregnancies, extremely bad nausea for 16-20 weeks, and it is NOT what she expected. Her mother hadn’t dealt with it, friends didn’t have that experience, so the reality didn’t meet her expectation.
Catherine didn’t grow up dreaming to be a mom…not that she thought poorly on children…she just didn’t think about it. Even her play was more mechanical than relational. It actually wasn’t until she met her husband that she realized that she would have children.
So, of course, her first was a difficult baby. Catherine was the youngest in her family and didn’t grow up with babies, so motherhood (much like pregnancy) wasn’t what she expected. Her first was a difficult baby. Nursing was hard, but it was NOT natural…sometimes momma and baby need to learn how to work with one another.
Once again, the expectations did NOT match with the reality.
The first three weeks of life for Catherine’s first daughter were filled with worry, pumping, feeding the baby with a syringe, and very little sleep. It took 45 minutes to an hour for each nighttime feeding (as a team).
No matter what your background is, you can read ALL the books, babysit ALL the children, and the only guarantee is that reality will NOT meet your expectations. And the 2-hour feeding window…pretty much a lie. That does not mean two hours of sleep in-between feedings.
“The Lord shows up.”
Catherine’s first was a crier. She didn’t necessarily have colic, but major FOMO. She would only sleep if she was in a carrier, and required bouncing to sleep. Even to this day, as a beautiful 6-and-a-half year-old, she has FOMO…she’s a bright-eyed, wants to take in everything kind of kid.
This is all a testament to how God creates us, and it shows up very early.
Since High School, Catherine has been interested in the temperaments and personality traits. Much of her frustration stemmed from a desire to understand her baby (and feeling a lack of understanding).
Most mothers have that ONE moment, where they are brought to their knees in motherhood with a new baby. Yes, you love that little soul more than anything, but you feel so powerless, trapped, and have so much guilt and shame.
“You asked me to be here…why did you make it this hard?”
When you google things, it’s all action related. Sometimes, though it’s more about changing what’s inside of you.
Just as Catherine was coming up for air after baby number two…COVID happened. This, of course, brought more isolation.
The Yelley Mom (25:18)
During her third pregnancy, Catherine didn’t have the energy to handle the bickering of her first two kiddos, and she realized she had become the yelley mom.
Anger was coming up more and more. Before, she could keep it in, but once three kids came, the anger showed up more and more.
Not knowing what to do, Catherine found coaching with Lisa Canning. She signed up for her Motherhood Without Guilt program, and learned many new approaches, and LIFE changed. ALL the relationships in her life were transformed!
Now, Catherine has tools to deal with the frustrations that come along with mothering.
Expectations vs. Reality (30:00)
Lisa Canning told Catherine, “You’re arguing with your reality.” Setting realistic expectations can make a world of difference…for yourself, for your children, for all the people in your life.
Through the process of doing that work, the Lord put it on our guest’s heart to begin working with other women. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect for her (or for the women she’s working with), but it IS a journey and progress happens. The Lord gives us grace to grow.
Self-Awareness (33:00)
Saint Teresa of Avila has a beautiful quote that says…
“It is foolish to think that we will enter heaven without entering into ourselves.”
We have to be aware of ourselves and what’s going on. While it’s good to be aware of ourselves, it’s not an excuse to lean on those tendencies. It’s important to take that knowledge and own it (self-posession).
We can’t fully give of ourselves…to our children, to our husband, to our friends, to our family, to our community at large unless we truly possess ourselves, and we can’t truly possess ourselves unless we know ourselves.
Catholic Mindset Coaching (36:00)
As mothers, it’s easy to see that we need to hone our children, but we also need to hone ourselves. For Brittany, the last two years have been a journey of self-awareness.
These fixes aren’t complicated, they’re simple. But knowing where and how to start is difficult.
Instead of seeing yourself as unchanging, the idea that you have a place as you are, but you can also learn and grow! Mindset work is so beautiful and valuable to each of us as a human being.
Catholic mindset coaching is different because the Lord is the change agent (not yourself). We look to God for answers and ask Him to infuse us with that truth.
The freedom of knowing that she wasn’t a victim to her thoughts and actions was huge for Catherine. Part of the free will that God gave each of us is the ability to choose the way we think.
Even though her circumstances didn’t change (kids are still kids), Catherine was able to change and take control of her thought life.
When you start to realize that not everything depends on you, you start to feel less like, “I’m never enough,” and a lot more like, “I need to open myself to more grace right now.”
Anger (44:20)
Anger isn’t an accident. God gave us our emotions, and there IS a proper place for anger.
Knowing what your triggers are can be VERY helpful. Catherine’s triggers are feeling rushed, feeling out of control, and even being distracted. Sibling bickering and ugliness flips Brittany’s switch more than anything.
These small shifts in mindset make a BIG difference in how we’re able to handle the challenges of motherhood. We’ll ALWAYS be working on it.
Where to go from Angry (49:00)
People always say to pause and breathe, but the Byzantine Catholics have a beautiful prayer…”Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.” When you put your hand on your chest and say this prayer in a breath in and out, it’s a twist on the “pause and breathe” advice.
Be humble. Ask the Lord for humility, and talk to your kids about it and apologize. We don’t want to look at our sin, we don’t want to look at our mistakes, but reconciliation is important. Seeking to mend the relationship through apology is a beautiful thing to do.
Celebrate your wins! Humans in general have a bend towards the negative, so give equal air time to the positives.
“Remember the perspective Catherine, they’re not in your head, and they’re not seeing all of this internal drama that you’re always going through, and what might seem like a horrible day to you because you walked around grumpy all day, might have just been a great day for them and the worst part was that they had to leave they’re grandparents house.”
Get a coach. Therapy if you need it. Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. Bring it to the Lord. If you’re Catholic, stay close to the sacraments. You can’t expect to be a gracious mother if you’re not seeking grace from the one who is the only one who can give it.
The sacraments teach us repentance and forgiveness. Have a good recognition of what you’ve done wrong, then ask forgiveness from the Lord, from your children, and from yourself. Give yourself permission to be human, to be on a journey of growth, and to make mistakes.
Practices & Tactics (59:57)
Sometimes you still need to do the same actions, but you need to do them from a more peaceful place. Another suggestion is to do the thought work ahead of time…if you KNOW bedtime is a struggle, ask the Lord into that and really dig into it. If there are bad fruits, chances are it’s a bad thought.
The Lord will come, and he will give you a new thought. Whether you do this work before or after, just do the work.
When you’re asking, “Is this a good thought for me?” see where it leads you. If it leads you to more love for your children, then it’s a good thought.
Two thought examples from Catherine are, “They won’t always want this,” and “They’re just doing this because they love me.” These will be different for everyone, but try them on, and see what the Lord inspires in you.
“We can’t always be striving to be the extra, to do the extra, sometimes we have to be very honest with what our capacity is and what we have to give.”
Rapid Fire Questions (01:09:30)
Catherine’s mom superpower is that she’s really good at answering little kid questions, and her second is snuggling.
If she could go back to one stage of motherhood, she would go back to the first six month with her first. She would tell herself, “You are not your failures, and there is hope for the future. Let the Lord in.”
Four things Catherine’s friends and family would say she’s good at are being loyal, she loves to learn new things (each year she has a learning goal), she is a straight shooter, and she won’t settle for the status quo—she’s a striver.
Something that makes Catherine’s family special is that her children are very physical, their family loves hospitality and authenticity!
About Catherine (01:15:05)
Catherine Johnson is a wife of nine years, a mom of three young children, and a Catholic mindset coach Certified through Metanoia Catholic. After giving birth to her third baby in 4.5 years, she found herself stuck in a place of anger and despair. She had battled with anger in various ways for years, but the first few years of motherhood really made her aware of just how much she had been losing that battle. By the grace of God, she found incredible transformation in Jesus through Catholic mindset coaching, a transformation that not only improved her parenting but also spilled over into every other facet of her life. Her experience inspired her to become a coach so that she could come alongside other moms struggling with anger as they put in the work and experience transformation in their own lives.
Catherine’s Website is http://www.cjjcoaching.com/
She’s on Instagram @catherine.j.johnson
She’s taking one-on-one clients, book a FREE 30-minute consult here.
For her latest workshop, “How to Mother in Your Unique Way,” head here.
You don’t have to be Catholic to be coached by Catherine, but be aware that she’s VERY Catholic and that does come into her coaching.
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Don’t forget sweet momma…you are doing beautiful work.
