Episode 117: Hope and Healing After Loss with Kelly Sakmar
What You’ll Learn…
Kelly’s Story (03:01)
Grieving Is Different for Men and Women (17:15)
Grief (23:00)
Moving Forward After Loss (30:00)
Grieving in Community (37:00)
Coping Mechanisms (42:05)
Marriage and Grief (54:30)
Rapid Fire Questions (01:00:15)
More from Kelly (01:04:40)
Losing our little ones can shake our foundations to the very core. This month we've been talking about miscarriage and today we wanted to invite a momma who would take us one step further and speak to the hearts of any of our listeners that may have experienced infant loss.
We've invited Kelly Sakmar to share her own story of infant loss and to share with us how to find healing after this devastation, as well as tools for dealing with PTSD, and ways we can reach out to fellow mommas we know who may experience this.
Kelly is the mother of 4 and owner of ClutterLESS, she lives in Pensylvannia with her husband. She is a beautiful example of life after loss and we are so delighted to share her with you today!
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Kelly’s Story (03:01)
Kelly has been married for 16 years and her first child just turned 10, her second is 7, her third was born in March of 2020 and died that same month, and her fourth child was born in March of 2023.
“The world SHOULD stop.”
Saint TJ was born on March 7th, and he died on March 11th. While it was a crazy time in the world at large, the family was able to have TJ’s funeral just before public Masses and funerals were put on hold.
At the 12-week ultrasound, the family received a poor prenatal diagnosis. Kelly opted not to pursue further testing because there was an increased risk of miscarriage (which was already something they feared could happen).
At 16 weeks, everything looked normal on the ultrasound. This is when Kelly told the other children and the family she was pregnant. Sadly, the story was very different for the 20-week ultrasound.
At the 24-week ultrasound, much more amniotic fluid was brought on. Kelly was seeing a specialized Maternal Fetal Medicine OB, and was transferred to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP). She received weekly ultrasounds and was able to have the excess amniotic fluid (which also included stays in the hospital).
At the 28 week ultrasound, TJ had fluid in his lungs, and Kelly earned a bed at CHOP. They were able to drain TJ’s lungs, but Kelly developed something called “Mirror Surgery” and HER lungs began filling with fluid. The only way to ensure the best chance of survival for both Kelly and TJ was to deliver him via c-section.
TJ went into lung surgery immediately, and did VERY well for the first 48 hours. There were a lot of miracles. He was able to meet his sisters, and it was before the lockdown and masks (when visitors were still allowed).
“There is hope and healing, as impossible as it seems right now.”
The brain tries to protect you. It will try to bury the trauma, because it’s SO, SO painful. Journaling through grief can being you
Ultimately, TJ died of lung failure. Later, Kelly would learn that he had Noonan Syndrome, the kind that was fatal. Not knowing this initially, gave Kelly hope, and upon reflecting, she is thankful for that hope.
Grieving is Different for Men and Women (17:15)
Thankfully, when they lost TJ, Kelly and her husband had already been married for quite a while, which gave them a solid foundation to lean upon. In addition to this foundation, they had great grief support that educated them about how women and men grieve differently.
Women are more emotional and men are more physical in grief. Kelly needed to write, cry, and she needed space. Her husband needed to be hammering, demolishing, and fixing something.
For the kids, grieving is an ongoing process. A six-and-a-half year-old just doesn’t know anything about death, and a three-and-a-half year-old won’t understand—and will just go back to playing.
Kelly really feels for anyone who has to come home to no other children…and an empty nursery.
Grief (23:00)
Great grief counseling is wonderful, and it IS helpful, but nothing really helps in the moment. Kelly was feeling very alone. Especially in March of 2020, she couldn’t even see people, or get a hug.
The first anniversary is tough, but as the years go on, you receive less and less cards, texts, and support. There’s an initial outpouring, and then the support tends to go away.
Kelly had a friend who texted the 11th of each month for the first year. In addition, many people offered Masses of remembrance for TJ-although as Catholics we believe he’s in heaven. If you know a family suffering with this type of loss, consider offering a Mass for the family.
Moving On After Loss (30:00)
You never outgrow grief support. You can find the great example Kelly spoke about of how grief changes over time here.
“Grief stays the same, and life grows around it.”
Grief will come out in one way, shape, or form, so as much as Kelly can, she’d like to make it into something beautiful.
For grief support moving forward, keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let those resources go. Unfortunately, as her children grow, it has been necessary to re-open the wound again.
Continuing to navigate the grief process with her children has kept Kelly from letting her own grief take over.
“One in four women will be touched by loss in this way.”
Grieving in Community (37:00)
Community is SO important, and in loss, it’s important to let God work in and through us. One difficult thing for Kelly was the fact that just as she was enduring this great trial, church shut down.
If you are feeling anger at God, there should not feel shame, because God can handle it. Bring your anger to Him.
Coping Mechanisms (42:05)
Many of the healthy coping mechanisms just weren’t available for Kelly back in 2020. Her mom was a lifeline, but she did fall into the comforts of the world in the form of wine and sugar.
When she was ready, Kelly hired a coach to help her go from just surviving to thriving. If you fall into a bad habit (like turning to wine, or sugar), it is SO hard to just stop doing it. Having a third party to remove the shame, and help you take conscious action for a new and better habit is VERY helpful. Kelly worked specifically with Dr. Sherry Price.
Grief support groups were very helpful to Kelly and her family. Because she had a poor prenatal diagnosis, she knew going in that there would be complications. There is a Catholic organization called Be Not Afraid that can help if you do have a poor prenatal diagnosis.
“Do you want to talk,” is a great question. Sending a text on the monthly anniversary is a beautiful way to support. Going on a walk can be helpful.
Kelly’s mom would come over once a week and make her signature meal, and it was incredibly helpful. She’s really thankful for people being there in the capacity they were able to.
Marriage and Grief (54:30)
It can be really difficult for couples to walk through grief together. Women tend to be more emotional, and men grieve in a much more active way. Allowing one another space to grieve is important.
Sometimes husbands get left out of this conversation, but they grieve too…just differently.
“The Lord made us for community, and everyone has different giftings, and there is nothing wrong with needing help from someone else.”
Rapid Fire Questions (01:00:15)
Kelly’s mom superpower is organizing!
If she could go back to one stage of motherhood, Kelly would go back to when her son died, and she would tell herself that there will be a time when she wouldn’t just feel as if she was surviving, but she would feel as if she was thriving.
Four things that Kelly’s friends and family would say she’s good at are preparedness, bringing levity, loving Jesus, and taking care of her kids!
If Kelly’s daughter or son were experiencing a miscarriage, she would tell them to be gentle with themselves, whatever you’re feeling is ok, and she’s sorry.
One thing that makes Kelly’s family special is Saint TJ. He really helps her marriage and family.
More from Kelly (01:04:40)
Find @clutterlesskelly on Instagram.
For Facebook, click here.
Kelly’s website is https://www.clutter-less.com/.
You can email Kelly at kelly@clutter-less.com
Finally, Kelly’s signature course can be found at clutter-less.com/yourclutterlesshome
Your clutterLESS, Christ-Centered Home walks you through organizing your home, while incorporating grace every step of the way!
This e-course helps Christians practically tackle organizing from a Faith-based perspective. She's given us a promo code for 50% off for OUR mommas only: DELIBERATE
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Don’t forget sweet momma…you are doing beautiful work.
