Episode 146: Bring Peace to Your Table with Kelly Shoup
What You’ll Learn
Momma…you don't have to do it ALL on your own.
In fact…inviting your kids into the kitchen (if this fits within your capacity) has MORE benefits than you might have imagined (the eventual cooking that will be done by NOT you is only one of a very long list!)
We want to talk about not only those benefits...but HOW to actually get there and with us today to do that is...
Licensed occupational therapist, with over 20 years of experience working with kids ages 3-8 AND more than 17 years in the trenches parenting her OWN children.
She has a LONG track record of success supporting parents and their children because she meets parents where they ARE and gives them real help to gain clarity over their challenges and foster better connections with their kids.
Getting Kids in the Kitchen (01:33)
On an earlier podcast all about Picky Eaters, one of your suggestions involved getting kids into the kitchen.
Kelly views most activities of daily living through the lens of skills…is this fine motor, motor, balance, coordination, social/emotional…etc. Most parents (understandably) are not looking at life this way, and because of this, there’s a missed opportunity when parents are doing all the meal prep, table setting…everything.
Kids (especially young kids) LOVE having a say and being included in mealtime, so if you can get them involved in any aspect and help them build familiarity, it will help them to become more open and excited over time. It may not look like a huge win, but these things are baby steps on the road to trying new things and eating more.
Kelly doesn’t recommend bringing ALL the kids to the grocery store (this can turn into a disaster), but bringing the pickiest eater with and allowing them to touch and experience food, has value.
Involving kids in the different parts of family mealtime will also help you as a parent! A 5-year-old who can cut up pineapple or set the table (keeping in mind that they will do the 5-year-old version—not the 35-year-old version) will feel accomplished and have a sense of self-worth (which can help them feel good about SOMETHING at meal time).
Looking at mealtime this way, through the lens of skills, makes a lot of sense to Brittany because she’s always trying to use daily life as an opportunity to raise kind, capable, and competent adults.
The Eject Button (06:45)
It’s important to remember too, that as much as Occupational Therapists like Kelly work with kids, they ALSO work with the parents. None of us parents were born knowing how to bring a child into the kitchen.
Kelly likes to talk about the “Eject Button.” As a parent, we may have things planned out and we’d like it to play out exactly how we expect. It’s important to know how to give grace and compassion to ourselves AND our children when things DON’T go to plan. We can “Eject” and try again tomorrow.
A Helpful Safe Start (08:25)
Familiarity with food is a great place to start. We can be ok with cutting the food, smelling the food, and working from there. Kids don’t have to eat it.
When kids feel safe around meal time, then they’re more open to trying different things.
Kelly suggests that if you’re trying a new food, prepare it (have the kids help if they can), and offer a “No thank you” bite, in addition to some other foods you know they like.
It can be easy to override the sensory system of our kids (as a parent because many of us were raised that way), but Kelly prefers to encourage kids to listen to their bodies (and asks parents to allow for this).
It is worth it to lower the stakes enough so everyone can be comfortable with the food while allowing kids to build their skills and listen to their bodies. Kids will go through many different changes developmentally, they may not be hungry at all one day, and another day they’ll eat everything in sight.
You can let go of the outcome of how much they eat and what that means about you as a mom.
Peaceful Meal Times (14:35)
Kelly suggests a reverse role-play as a starting point. Have the kids prepare dinner (this could be as simple as cutting up fruit). When mom and dad show up at the table, maybe they’re complaining, a little bit late, and they give back whatever the kids have been giving to them.
It’s important for kids to get a viewpoint that’s the opposite from their normal.
Next, a family meeting should be called. Talk about how the kids felt as the cooks and meal preparers. Work together on solutions that you can use moving forward. This can increase buy-in and help parents and children learn to work together. Older kids may also have some insight on how capable younger kids are.
Start simple…it could be as basic as building a salad together. Be forgiving (for yourself and the kids).
It can also be a great idea to work on mindset and language around food at the family meeting. Changing how kids speak about food, how they show up at the table, can be a BIG step towards more peace.
All of these little steps will lead to HUGE changes. Touching the food, smelling the food, meeting food in these different ways WILL make for better eaters (but not overnight, but hang in there mommas!!).
In Brittany’s house, adventurous eating is encouraged, and kids are invited into food constantly. “No thank you” bites are included, and the kids are asked to try things (even if they don’t kie them), and open mindedness is encouraged.
A lot of good science has been published about how important cfamily dinners are, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can make it feel so HEAVY and put pressure on parents and kids.
Kelly loves the mindset piece, because food is neutral. It doesn’t need to be a THING. There are so many different ways to prepare foods, and for older kids, ask them to research recipes they would like. Kelly’s own son has really gotten involved in the kitchen and it has led him down a mashed potato rabbit-hole.
In Brittany’s house, they do try to keep food neutral, and they hold a standard of how food is spoken about. Kids all participate in dinner, and as a family they try hard to limit negative speech about food. It’s ok to not like things, but kids are encouraged to find something they DO like about dinner (rather than looking for and calling out everything they don’t like). This is a skill that will also be important as your kids eat at friends’ houses, and it really translates into self-regulation.
Final Questions (26:50)
The book that Kelly’s shared with the most people is the Bible.
Currently, she’s reading Scott Hahn’s, The Lamb’s Supper.
Kelly’s go-to dinner in a pinch is breakfast for dinner. They’ll do waffles, sausage or bacon, and everyone knows their part in it. A back-up meal is Mexican, a chicken quesadilla, a taco, anything with a starch, a meat, and a little balance.
The biggest challenge Kelly faced with her own children was developing palettes. She answered this with condiments…balsamic vinegar, mayo, anything. She would also give kids a good, healthy snack about 1.5 hours before dinner (many times, raw vegetables) and this would lower the stress level because she knew the kids weren’t starving and had a few healthy foods already. Flexibility is what she would tell herself (she didn’t allow herself to be as open minded as she should have).
On Sunday’s, Kelly sets herself up for success by looking at all the moving parts of her schedule, get a meal plan made that takes upcoming events and appointments into consideration, and sets herself up for success with a good plan (with a healthy attitude for dealing with things when they don’t pan out).
Something that makes Kelly’s family special is their ability to laugh, particularly at her for embracing her quirkiness. Kelly likes food that’s cold, and her kids don’t! God made each of us so unique, and it’s important for us to be fun, playful, and accepting of who we are!
