Episode 110: The Proper Care & Feeding of a ‘New’ Mom
What You’ll Learn
Areas of Help (02:00)
Home Care (31:43)
Rest & Recovery (48:25)
Communication (01:10:00)
Takeaways (01:14:38)
Invitation (01:16:15)
Have you ever stopped to think man I hope I remember 'this' when I become a grandma?
Or thought I wish they just understood...
Or I feel so overwhelmed that even help felt hard?
Especially trying to figure out what to ask for or how to accept it.
Well, Tiff and I have thought a lot about this actually and we started making life notes to our future selves. Our Grandma selves (whom we affectionally call Mor Mor and Honey) so we will remember the kind of help that might be helpful and how it feels to be on this side of the equation. The overwhelmed, exhausted, just trying to figure it all out side.
This episode isn't just about how to support a post-partum momma coming home with her first brand new baby...but our seasoned momma friends too...who need support too, even if they look like they have it all figured out! Maybe especially if they look like they have it all figured out...because none of us do. And ALLL of us could benefit from being cared for in special ways.
More than anything I think we all need support, especially in big transitions.
And while this title is the Proper Care and Feeding of a new mom...this episode ins't just to inspire you to support others, but it's for our expectant mommas too This is not only for you to hear and support other mommas, but to hear and try on ways that YOU might need support because when people ask, "what do you need/how can I help you/let me know if you need anything" it's really hard to say...I want a live-in nanny that speaks two languages, loves to cook, and isn't overbearing. She needs to be free, love Starbucks and thrive on cleaning and scouring bathrooms.
So since that isn't likely on the table of options...here are some ideas
Areas of Help (02:00)
Tackle Meals first...
DO
Ask about allergies/food preferences/feasting & fasting
Check on eating times
Hot/Cold Meals
Consider Breakfast/Lunch
Think of sides/extras/desserts/fruits
Gift Cards (meals/groceries
Meal Train
Pickup groceries for meals
Make sure they have everything they need for it (including recipe card)
Bring accessories
Plates, napkins, plasticware, serving dishes, etc.
Bring a recipe card
Consider the life of the items you're bringing
Green beans, bacon, almonds OR salad
Disclaimer....these do's are not a standard you must fulfill in order to bless another new mom...but these are just meant to get us thinking outside the box and supporting our fellow mommas in unforgettable ways that will water-fall into their future friendships and support.
DON'T (we get to be a little rude...but this is what most new moms want to share):
Give items that must be returned
Tell them they don't have to be returned
DON’T STAY LONG
Ignore allergies/food preferences (not the time to encourage adventurous eating...buy a gift card if they won't appreciate your blue ribbon dish)
Ignore eating times
*fellow mom friends* know it will be late...
Clean-out your fridge and bring it to theirs
Bring expired or soon to expire project ingredients
Forget to leave the amount off the gift card
When we give we want to give free of "requiring extra capacity"
Ignore the accessories
Coffee Pot...everything to go with it: filters, water filter, coffee, creamer
Home Care (31:43)
We're not telling you to break in to your friend's house...but also...
DO
Clean/Tidy Main spaces:
Laundry (fold and put away!)
Scour bathrooms
Kitchen
Floors
Tidy
Put away toys
Porch
Entryway
VERY Little organization
Books, toys,
Fix little items (like broken toys, mend rips, wipe walls)
Respectful of personal spaces
Wash sibling bedding (and maybe their bedding if you're close enough)
Heavy cleaning
Fans
Dusting
Wipe out microwave
Fridge
Bathrooms
Oven
DON'T
Bring in extra toys/clutter without approving it first
Declutter or clean out all the things you think they should get rid-of
RE-organize, RE-arrange, or RE-design
Share pictures of their home/mess on social media...save your good-deed
Consider that you've pre-signed a non-disclosure statement
Talk about their mess with them later and how long it took you to clean or tidy it
Shame them about anything. ANYTHING at all that you find in their home....even the sippy cup of milk that died long long long ago behind their couch...or the festering peed in clothes from the potty training child.
Disregard personal health preferences
Laundry detergent
Cleaners
Vinegar and water are a great option if you don't know
Room sprays/febreze
Smells are personal....grab an organic candle
Rest & Recovery (48:25)
DO
Offer to take their other children out for a few hours
Feed her people before you bring them back or bring them with food
Take one kid at a time (to give them personal time and to give other kids a chance to shine with mom and the new baby)
Read with little ones and let mom rest for 30 min -
Hold a baby so mom can shower
Offer to babysit for mom and dad to go on a date in week ½
Babysit for parent dates 1/month after that
Stay with the kids for small daily errands (1-2 hours between nursing)
Bring small pick-me-ups
A special coffee/smoothie/treat
Fun magazine
Painting project (but also time to do it)
Thoughtful of siblings' behaviors being more erratic and emotional and bring patience...not counter discipline and judgement
Maintain routines, standards, and practices already set in place *within reason*
Listen to her story
DON'T
Give with strings attached or expectations
Dictate how "gifted free time" should be spent
If she wants to shower....rest...or run a marathon...it's okay, we all heal and tend ourselves differently...and when we do it wrong we still learn.
Come teach her how to parent or care for her baby "better"
Bring a new huge transition into the mix like potty training, taking away a pacifier, or transitioning to a big kid bed unless you can help through the ENTIRE process.
Be overly critical of the helper or the help OR the person receiving the help
Tell her you had it harder, she's lucky, it could be worse, or steal thunder
Communication (01:10:00)
Communication is SO important (and so is knowing your person/friend)
Ask good questions
Make it the best good…make receiving help the easiest possible
Don't get offended
Offer more than one option
Avoid having to weigh help vs. helpful
Takeaways (01:14:38)
When it comes to giving gifts…be the CFA of gift givers…go the extra mile to communicate well and with joy, make sure what you are giving will truly serve the momma and the family, and that they have everything they'll need to enjoy your gift.
Food is love! But it can be truly lovely and serve the receiver if you take their needs and preferences into account.
Home is where the heart is…it's also where the mess is and sometimes where the stress can be…so one beautiful way to support our post-partum mommas is to offer to help them make their home a welcome and supportive place to begin their 4th trimester. *You can do this with a good heart, a blind eye, and a commitment to hold respectful boundaries for them.
Wherever you can, alleviate the pressure. Helping a new (or seasoned momma) rest and recovery is often more about understanding what will help them most and give them space and little breaks to find their groove again.
Communication is KEY…and more than that, communication is love especially when we want to support one another. So don't be Minnesotan, don't be afraid to share a few different things that would be really helpful and give them options.
And finally, to our post-partum mommas, be gracious. There are people who love you and want to help you…sometimes even help that isn't exactly what you want can be help if you let it. We can extend grace to well-meaning generous hearts for their intentions even if their actions are amiss.
Invitation (01:16:15)
If you know a post-partum momma, or you ARE a post-partum momma, we have a beautiful resource for you to get your groove back even sooner. The Deliberate Day planner is a 12-week printable planner that will ground and structure your day within the chaos of transition. It's going to remind you to choose yourself so you don't get lost in to-dos or other's needs.
In the planner, you'll find space to …
Prioritize yourself in the midst of the needs and demands of others
Set your prayer intentions for the day
Write The Word or other daily inspiration
Plan your morning, afternoon, & evening
Set realistic daily goals or to-do's and focus on your priorities
Meal plan
Celebrate a win (which you will then share with us…of course)
List your gratitudes
And, remember…
You're doing beautiful work momma!
