Episode 116: Finding Hope Again After Miscarriage with Kylie Hein
What You’ll Learn
Kylie’s Story (02:52)
Suffering in Community (05:06)
Resentment, Anger, and Bitterness (09:16)
Tools for Building Intimacy with God After Miscarriage (16:47)
The Temperaments (19:46)
For Our Sons and Daughters (25:00)
The Rules of Saint Ignatius (29:35)
Reducing Stress Based on Your Temperament (32:15)
What Would You Tell Your Child (42:00)
Rapid Fire Questions (45:30)
More From Kylie Hein (50:55)
It’s no secret that miscarriages shake our foundations to the very core. This month has been all about miscarriages…our personal stories and journeys and how they whisper deep seeded sorrows of loss, confusion, and even anger into the corners of our hearts. Often leaving us feeling lost, misunderstood, and alone. But that isn’t the end of the story, and just as Emily spoke a little hope and healing into our hearts last week…we have a beautiful guest with us today to speak even more hope into those heavy hearts.
Kylie is a Catholic Mindset Coach with a mission to bring souls back to Christ through prayer…and boy do we need to be brought back…even kicking and screaming and crying…after a miscarriage. She works to connect women with prayer and trust again. She resides in Nebraska with her two children and husband Russell and loves the blessings their small town offers them.
Please welcome Kylie Hein!
Use the code “Podcast20” for 20% off your Deliberate Day Planner!
Kylie’s Story (02:52)
April Fool’s day is just a weird day to find out you’re pregnant, but that’s what happened to Kylie. We all wonder when the “right” time to share our pregnancy is, and she had the same thought, and decided to share it with close friends.
Sadly, around 7 weeks, she was transitioning to a new school (she was a middle school math teacher..a.k.a. a saint!), and while observing another teacher, she was sitting in the classroom and knew something was wrong. She managed to get out of the classroom, called the nurse, and navigated her way out of the building.
The doctor couldn’t get Kylie in right away, but thankfully her sister is a nurse and was able to get her into the hospital. Unfortunately, Kylie’s husband was away working—so while she COULD reach him on the phone, in a very real way—she was alone.
"You talked about loneliness…I was alone.”
Most women who’ve experienced a miscarriage know the feeling of ‘knowing’ something is wrong, yet not really KNOWING what’s going on (emotionally, in their own bodies, etc.). The entire process is just. hard.
Suffering in Community (05:06)
Even in suffering, our guest found peace. Because she had told people about her pregnancy, it was in the ‘un-telling’ that she was able to hear THEIR stories and wisdom about moving forward. For her, speaking to other people about their experiences was a blessing.
There’s a beautiful definition of suffering that Kylie shared with us is this, “Suffering is part of our own personal vocation with God.” The timing of our suffering, and how we are able to GROW through our suffering, is unique to each of us.
The world is NOT comfortable and pretty all the time (even though that’s how we’d like it to be), and we’re called to suffering…to serve and to give…in suffering.
Resentment, Anger, and Bitterness (09:16)
Can you come to Jesus when you’re angry? Kylie says, yes! Understanding your identity first though, is SO important. Her definition of identity is, “Who you are when all the material things are stripped away…it’s rooted in Christ.” If you don’t have a firm understanding of this before you experience a miscarriage, it can make it more difficult.
Although it may not feel like God is always in control, He is. If you have the understanding that God IS in control, and he allowed this loss to happen, it CAN lead to anger. Anger can come from different places, guilt being one.
If our treasure is God, no one can take it from us. As long as our child was on this earth, it was a gift that was freely given, and suffering in this way is an opportunity to come to love God more deeply.
Kylie suggests, in prayer, start with honesty…”Lord, I’m mad at you right now.”
“Lord, this is where I’m at, and if you don’t want me to be here then you’re gonna have to help me, because otherwise, I’m gonna stay here and stay angry.”
If you just can’t bring yourself to come to Jesus in your suffering…go to Mary. Yes, she birthed Jesus, but she understands sorrow. If Mary seems hard, maybe you have a Saint you feel drawn to, and ask them to help bring you back to God.
For our non-Catholic listeners…it’s like reaching out to a mother, grandmother, or friend who really wants the best for you, AND wants to bring you back to her Son.
If you’re angry, God can handle it. Bring your anger, your resentment, your bitterness to God. Just go.
Tools for Building Intimacy with God After Miscarriage (16:47)
Kylie asks, “How do you develop trust with your best friend? With your spouse?” In short, you spend time with them. Relationships are built through work, showing up, and spending time together.
With her clients, Kylie develops a “Plan of Life” based on their temperament and their state in life. This plan is closely related to the Benedictine idea of a “Rule of Life".” This plan is a roadmap for how you will live out each day. (Kylie has generously offered a 20% discount for our listeners on a 1:1 coaching session. Click Here and enter the code "Podcast20" to book your session today!)
These plans generally begin with morning mental prayer, a time set aside to listen to God. Trust is best developed when we also allow others to speak, and for God it often comes in those small whispers.
The Temperaments (19:46)
When Kylie works with women, she likes to build from what they already have in place. She runs temperaments workshops too, and stresses that God has placed each of us here with a purpose AND our temperament is exactly what it needs to be.
In miscarriage, understanding your temperament can be very helpful. The way you’ll respond in stress, and how vice will show up, can be linked closely to your temperament.
Knowing your temperament and growing in self awareness is ALWAYS a good thing, and it can be especially helpful as you navigate life’s challenges.
For Our Sons and Daughters (25:00)
The majority of the time, miscarriages are followed by more questions than answers. Sharing our stories with others (including our children, at age appropriate levels) can be a beautiful testament to life. These experiences are powerful…not only for us…but for our children.
The Rules of Saint Ignatius (29:35)
Loss can lead to spiritual desolation. Saint Ignatius gives rules for times such as these…
Rule 5. Don’t make a change to your spiritual life.
Rule 6. Don’t change your routines. Change yourself.
Rule 13. Tell someone holy.
If you’re having a hard time going to God, go to the people who love God most (the Saints, like Ignatius).
Reducing Stress Based on Your Temperament (32:15)
The first step is understanding your temperament. Metanoia Catholic has a FREE assessment and you can click below to get it!
Once you understand your temperament, you can understand your ideal conditions and when you work in your ideal conditions, you’ll find that stress isn’t as prominent.
For example, Cholerics often think they are right, are usually in leadership roles, and aren’t known for letting others help. Asking the question, “Have I allowed others to help me?” is a good way to alleviate stress. A good approach to prayer for a Choleric would be asking God for humility and help in discerning the next step.
Sanguines, on the other hand, LOVE new, fun things. One way to eliminate anxiety for a Sanguine is to make things fun and enjoyable.
Melancholics are the perfectionists. If there’s a typo, they’ll find it. They can create their own stress. These individuals can set a timer and commit to stopping (even if something isn’t perfect). Prayers for a Melancholic could focus on not being self despairing.
“Jesus was like the perfect culmination of all of the virtues of the four (temperaments) and none of the vices.”
Phlegmatics are the peacekeepers. They balance everything out, and will often keep their opinions to themselves. They can get stuck in indecision, and a lack of boundaries can create anxiety. Eliminating anxiety for Phlegmatics can happen by understanding and setting healthy boundaries.
We have all four temperaments, which can be freeing! With personality assessments, we can put ourselves in a box, but we CAN grow. In the early lives of the Saints, usually their temperaments are quite visible, but in their later lives, they are much more difficult to see.
What Would You Tell Your Child (42:00)
Lean on your people, and lean on God. Jacques Philippe has a beautiful quote that says, “The most painful suffering is the suffering that we reject, and when we refuse to suffer, we refuse to live.”
If God has granted us this suffering, how can we take it back to Him and ask Him for what we need. Even though He knows what we need, it’s important for us to ask because it helps US to know what we actually need.
Kylie would tell her son, “It’s ok to talk about your sorrow too.” “It’s ok to be angry, as a husband.”
Rapid Fire Questions (45:30)
Kylie’s mom superpower is sharing her hard stories.
If she could return to one stage of motherhood, Kylie would go back to her entire pregnancy and tell herself that she won’t feel like she’s going to throw-up forever.
Four things Kylie’s friends and family would say she’s good at…authenticity, creativity, prayer, and math.
Something that makes Kylie’s family special is the weird relationship they have with the cows.
More From Kylie Hein (50:55)
For more information head to www.kyliemhein.com
For The Daily Examen for Every Temperament click Here
Find Kylie on Instagram @kyliemhein
Kylie has offered a 20% discount for listeners on a 1:1 coaching session. Click Here and enter the code "Podcast20"
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Finally sweet momma, don’t forget, you are doing beautiful work.
