Episode 168: Unveiling the Dark Side of Christmas with Sterling Jaquith
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First, let's just speak a little truth...the holidays are hard.
We don't have to know your situation, your family, your loss, your finances, or anything else to be able to say, the holidays are hard.
Motherhood ramps up in a multitude of ways during special holidays, especially ones where our hearts are so big for our people.
We see you...
We see how masterfully you're arranging schedules...
We see you planning all the meals...
We see you balancing gifts for all your kids...
We see how much joy you want for your people...
We see the memories you're working to cultivate...
We see all the hours and effort you're putting in...
You momma, are doing beautiful work.
BUT....I'm willing to bet you could use a little help when it comes to anticipating and managing disappointment this year...so, we invited one of our favorite guests back to talk to about dealing with disappointment during the holidays.
If you listened to episode 127, chances are you're already a pretty big fan of Sterling Jaquith (and if not, go listen when you finish this one!).
Sterling is a wife and homeschooling momma to 6 beautiful souls, but her accolades don't stop there...she's an author, podcaster, speaker, successful entrepreneur, and both a Catholic Business & Motherhood coach who teaches women to discern God’s will for their lives, decrease chaos and live with more peace!
She has a way of speaking right to the very core of our momma hearts and lifting us, encouraging us, and calling us out in all the right amounts.
Anticipation of the Holidays (04:35)
We live a similar stories of the holidays each year, and when they happen over and over, we’re surprised!
If we take a moment to slow down, remember what was stressful last year, and do a little planning, it can make a huge difference!
For Sterling, she grew up with two parents in the jewelry business…which meant they were working a lot from Thanksgiving to after Christmas Day! This left her with some negative feelings around the holidays, and now that she’s Catholic, it made her feel bad that this wasn’t a happy time.
She felt that as Catholics, there’s so much pressure to enjoy the holidays and look forward to the birth of Christ.
So, for 7 years now, she’s taught women that we don’t HAVE to be happy, we can feel whatever we need or want to feel, and we can make a plan to mitigate all the stressful things that will inevitably happen.
We talk so much about choosing between a good and a good, but we don’t talk about the disappointment of making these choices, and saying no to truly good things. As moms, our hearts ache the most when we disappoint our kids.
There are a few waves of disappointment that can happen during the holidays.
The first is the Liturgical living days. It seems that EVERYTHING is big now. Sterling suggests deciding ahead of time and discussing it with the kids ahead of time. Prep them, and this can help with disappointment, and remember that what they really want is sugar and movies (honestly, this is what WE want too).
If you’ve already decided your feast days ahead of time, when you’re seeing friends and family celebrating these things online, you can be happy with your choice and reaffirm it to yourself…because this is the peace we need to fight for.
Normal + Holidays (10:30)
Planning…it’s the MOST unsexy word, but even just a little bit of planning can make Advent & Christmas FEEL so much better.
Something as simple as wrapping gifts ahead of time can be HUGE.
Sterling has a list of things she’s ok saying “no” to. It requires great maturity and prudence to sit down and decide what you’re willing to do ahead of time (so you don’t wind up changing gears in a state of stress in the middle of the month and end up feeling like a failure).
So, think about “What stresses me out in the weeks leading up to Christmas and how can I say “no” graciously ahead of time, put boundaries around it, or can I do anything ahead of time so it’s not all happening last minute?”
This first type of disappointment comes up when you feel bad at managing your life, and you’re disappointed in yourself (which is tough).
Brittany feels this, and a few years ago she and her husband told the kids that they were going to let Santa off the hook and THEY would take care of stockings.
Now, Christmas Eve is all about going to Mass with her husband’s family, having a family meal, putting cookies out, resting peacefully, and keeping the focus on what the reason for the season is. They did this by planning ahead for all the things that normally fall on the day before Christmas.
Christmas Day Disappointment (14:40)
Another form of disappointment is that we get to Christmas Day and we realize that no one planned anything for us. Just know, if you want a different kind of Christmas, you need to plan it for yourself.
You’re a mom, and you WILL be working on Christmas (because that’s what moms do). But if you’re just a bit thoughtful about yourself and interject that into the Christmas Day, it can be a different experience this year.
The Disappointment of an Older Child (16:35)
By the time you have a large family, you will naturally have older children, and while younger children will be happy with most toys…older children CAN be disappointed by gifts (and as moms we can make this a THING).
This type of disappointment can bring on a lot of very strong thoughts and feelings. You may feel like you’re a bad mom, you have too many kids, they aren’t feeling seen enough…
If you anticipate these things, you can plan for these thoughts ahead of time.
One year, when Sterling’s daughter turned 11, she worked with her ahead of time to prep her for the disappointment she would feel when she received one mature & expensive gift (and her siblings got more of the smaller gifts).
Sibling comparison in larger families can also be tough to deal with (even when children get the gifts they wanted). Handling the jealousy that can come with gift opening without having thoughts about your children, is something most moms will come up against. This is just something kids do, it doesn’t mean you are raising barbarian terrible children.
Bringing the Stakes of Christmas Down (21:00)
Sterling loves to bring the stakes of Christmas down, because it’s very unlikely you remember any singular Christmas Day.
What children actually remember is an amalgamation of ALL the Christmases, and really, more the FEELING of Christmas. So…take the pressure off yourselves.
This works for traditions as well. In the moment it can feel like you’re letting your family down if you don’t celebrate all the feast days, but in reality, it isn’t true.
The feast days are fun, but they aren’t the things that make people Catholic. Understanding your relationship with Christ is the MOST important, but the liturgical cupcakes are optional.
The thing that isn’t good, is yelling at our kids and being super short and snappy with our husbands (because we’re choosing so many things and they’re hurting our family).
The Expectations of Others (23:30)
Dealing with the expectations of your extended family can also be difficult during the holidays, because none of us want to disappoint anyone.
Sterling has coached many women through this over the years, and wants to remind everyone that thoughts create feelings, and we can’t control how someone else feels.
If Aunt Sally is feeling disappointed that Britt isn’t coming, she’s feeling that way because she’s having a thought that has created a feeling in her body.
We need to build up our tolerance to watch other people have thoughts and feelings, because it FEELS terrible, but when we really break it down, the consequences aren’t that bad. So often, we’re stealing our own family’s peace to avoid a look, a few sentences, or a text message from someone else.
This comes up VERY often when people have little kids. The entire generation of grandparents seems to have forgotten how hard it is to put tiny people in the car for more than 2 hours, to put them in a dress, to put them in a living room with glass figurines, to eat fancy adult food at the wrong time (because we ALL know the kids are going to be hungry before the food is ready).
It’s better to say the truth! Mom…I love you, but I just can’t put the kids in the car for 7 hours, but we need to do this when the kids are older.
IF you can have these conversations, and allow your people to have these feelings, and know that you can handle watching them go through it, then you can have the holiday season that’s perfect for YOUR family this year in whatever season of life you’re in.
Looking at the Season as a Whole (28:13)
As “yes” people, we want to accept all the individual invitations, but when you put them ALL together, that’s when we see that it’s not a peaceful season.
“Peace” is Sterling’s favorite word, and she works extremely hard to make sure that Advent is quiet and prayerful and Christmas is fun and sparkly.
Asking for Help (30:00)
Most husbands are willing to help, they just don’t know exactly HOW, or they’re not going to do things the way you want.
For Sterling personally, in the places where she can’t ask for help, she’ll repeat to herself, “I’m choosing to do this.” We actually don’t have to do these things, we are choosing to. (This can help change your attitude about the various tasks that come along with the holidays).
If you DO have family near you, it’s ok to ask for a grandmother to watch the kids while you shop. OR, be ok with not bringing a dish to the potluck (or bringing a pre-made dish instead of a homemade dish).
When you ask for help, be appreciative of how it shows up.
Sterling’s husband does a lot of cooking for the holidays, and he would just put the masked potato pot on the table…and she would put it in a dish. So she can decide that the pot on the table is just his way of doing things.
The holidays are just full of landmines for moms, and on top of those, we can judge ourselves for not being happy…let’s just all agree to NOT do this (not this year). This is a LOW stakes situation, it is NOT high stakes.
A's to Our Q's (34:45)
Something that makes Sterling’s family quirky is that they are a BIG hunting family. Her kids can skin and process an entire deer into ground meat in vacuum sealed bags 2 hours or less. They eat a lot of venison all year (if you ever visit Sterling, you’ll likely eat venison burgers).
One of Sterling’s favorite hacks is that she buys 5 turkeys at Thanksgiving. Then 4 times throughout the year, they’ll have traditional turkey one night, then they make turkey soup another night, and finally they’ll make yellow turkey curry. Even though they all contain turkey, these meals are different enough that they don’t tire of the turkey.
A guilty pleasure for Sterling is Tea from The Republic of Tea, and bath bombs. These are simple, at home ways to create vacations in your own home.
Sterling just finished Imitation of Christ by Thomas Kempis for the third time (it’s not a feel good book, but it’s beautiful).
More from Sterling Jaquith (38:30)
You can head to Catholic Mom Calm to learn more about Sterling and what she has going on!
If you haven’t read Catholic Mom Calm (affiliate link), you should definitely add it to your list!
Sterling also has a big New Years program called Year of Calm, and goal setting is NOT part of it!
Finally, don’t forget to follow her on Instagram!
