Episode 148: The ‘Enough’ Trap with Sarah Mackenzie
What You’ll Learn
Today we have invited one of our homeschool heroes, Sarah Mackenzie here to speak with you and bring the hope, because that's what she's done for us for YEARS.
Sarah's the author of Teaching from Rest, The Read-Aloud Family and several picture books, including Because Barbara, which officially released March 5th of this year!
She's the host of the Read-Aloud Revival Podcast, which has been downloaded
over 14 million times in more than 160 countries, and is the publisher at the boutique publishing house, Waxwing Books.
Her best work, though, is at home in the Northwest, where she and her husband homeschool their six children.
Defining Enough (02:15)
A HUGE challenge for homeschool moms is feeling like we’re never doing “enough”.
The insidiousness of the ‘enough-ness’ is that it’s not specific…so we can’t answer with a ‘yes” unless we get clear. As soon as we ARE specific, solutions will begin to appear.
We were actually never asked to be enough or do enough for our kids.
Sarah likes to think about Jesus feeding the 5,000 on the hillside. There’s a throng of hungry people, everybody’s hot, and in that moment—Jesus could have made a feast from nothing, or he could have made everyone instantly feel satiated—either of those things would have been easier than what he did. He told the disciples to bring him what they had.
In the thick of it, with kids who were 12, 10, 8, 1, and twin newborns, Sarah felt as if she wasn’t enough every. single. morning. And truthfully, there wasn’t enough of her to go around.
But what we’re doing in our homeschools over and over again is bringing what we have, and allowing Him to make it enough. So, when we have the question about whether or not we’re doing enough—get a little specific about what you’re trying to do—and solutions will naturally rise to the surface. But also, the answer is pretty much always no, you’ll never be enough, and you were never asked to be.
We’re really meant to be a conduit for the One who IS enough. This is why homeschool is a microcosm of virtue in US (the homeschool moms and teachers)...we have the opportunity to rely NOT on ourselves continually.
Homeschooling can be the best AND the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It will change us, mold us, and shape us.
Seasoned Mom Chill (09:21)
There’s this seasoned mom chill that we all know from a mom whose kids are older. The wise woman who lovingly tells you what you should (and shouldn’t) really worry about (because it’s hard for us to see in the moment). Sarah thinks this happens much quicker for moms of many.
Her three oldest children are 22, 20, and 18, and what she’s noticing about her friends with kids of similar ages is the struggle with feelings of a loss of control. The thing is, we can pretend we have control over our kids when they’re young (until, of course, the three-year-old throws a tantrum), but as they get older, it becomes more apparent how much control we don’t have.
However, when you have a lot of children and they’re all little, it’s a refining fire where you learn that lesson a lot earlier…you don’t have nearly the amount of control you thought you did. You can’t do it all, so you’ll need to let things go if they’re not truly important.
You don’t get to see the results of homeschooling, of mothering, right away…they are an act of faith. We don’t get to know how it turns out, we have to take it on faith.
More than 18 Years (13:35)
It’s motherhood’s best-kept secret that watching your children fly is really fun, but also a little terrifying. We need to be careful because we can wrap up our worth in our children’s lives (consider Saint Monica who would have felt like a failure for SO long).
It’s a special joy to watch our older children spread their wings. It can bring those early days full circle when you keep going with the thought of how pouring into your children will lead to them being the salt and light of the world. Conversely, you also get to witness your older children making choices that aren’t leading to the salt and light you were hoping for (and you learn to hit your knees in prayer in a new and different way).
The idea that you only have 18 years to parent isn’t true…it’s different, but it’s not a bug in the system, it’s a feature, and it’s part of God’s plan. It’s a different relationship, and you start to see how the kids we’re most worried about begin to handle things and become their own people.
What Sarah and her husband have noticed with their older kids as they’ve learned to drive, is that they had to get out of the passenger seat for them to take the reigns and learn to drive well. This applies to other parts of life as well…as soon as you step out of the passenger seat (as a parent), they learn SO quickly.
Memory Stacking (20:20)
Dr. Meg Meeker has a great book called The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, and Sarah loves her. Something Dr. Meeker says is if you’re a fun mom for 10 minutes each week, your kids will remember you as a “fun mom.”
Sarah’s own daughter was asked what the most impactful thing her parents did to pass on their faith, and she answered that she would see her mom reading the bible when she woke up in the morning. Sarah is pretty sure the Holy Spirit is responsible for this one, because this isn’t something that happened ALL the time.
Tiffany twist incoming…Around here, we call this memory stacking. Y’all…science has proved that 50% of the memories we have aren’t accurate. It’s important to help our kids remember all the awesome things we do together, and for that to happen, when we experience a beautiful day with them, we need to do two things…
Take photos! If there isn’t a photo, it didn’t happen (as a mom of older kids myself I will tell you that you’ll love seeing those adorable little faces forever).
Talk about the beautiful day. Relive it! Enjoy it (again).
Sarah had a homeschooling mentor, Sheila, who had three kids she homeschooled (her kids were mostly grown by the time Sarah’s kids were born). At church one day, Sheila asked how homeschooling was going and Sarah just broke into tears (hey…we’ve all been there). Sheila then said, I’ll come over tomorrow and we’ll figure some things out.
Sarah was at a graduation party for one of Sheila’s kids, and while looking through the photo albums (laid out for guests to see), noticed a LOT of photos of hands-on projects. Well…Sheila told Sarah that hands-on projects were extra, so Sarah was very confused that her mentor—told her hands-on projects weren’t necessary—but did a ton with her own kids. Upon further investigation, Sheila’s strategy was to do two projects a year and take a TON of photos.
The other thing Dr. Meeker says is that your kids don’t care if you make brownies from scratch, from a box, or the store…they just want to eat them with you. Worry less about all the things you can check off the list, and worry more about looking into your children’s eyes (and not looking at your phone).
A Challenge from Sarah (26:02)
Try a little challenge (from Sarah)…turn on a little dance music while you’re cleaning the kitchen with your kids. If you do this once a week, you might find that your kids begin to remember that your family had dance parties while you cleaned the kitchen. So, every once in a while turn on The Greatest Showman soundtrack, smile, and dance a little with your kids (even if you are crabby, it will probably bring your mood up a bit).
All the Subjects, All the Time? (27:20)
Many listeners went to traditional school…think of how often you completed a whole math book. Sarah’s mom is a teacher, and she was asking why her homeschooled children did science all year (because in public school, this isn’t the case). It was an interesting question and caused Sarah to rethink how she approached the curriculum and the different subjects.
Filling in the Holes (28:28)
Sarah had six children, 12, 10, 8, 1, and twin newborns, and for years there was very little formal school going on. They did read-alouds, copywork, and spent time together as a family, but for example, grammar wasn’t formally taught.
Fast forward several years and Sarah’s oldest graduated and wanted to pursue an English degree and become an editor. The girl could NOT use commas to save her life…she would write the most beautiful essays and then at the end, just sprinke some in (hoping for the best). Sarah would ask her, why did you put a comma here? Her daughter would say, “It felt like there hadn’t been a comma in a while.”
So, Sarah bought her a $10 6th-grade workbook on commas, she completed it in a week, and the problem was solved. Sarah could have spent years when she was exhausted, pregnant, and nursing stressing about grammar, and instead, her daughter filled this small hole with a $10 workbook in a week.
Sarah’s three oldest children ended up in English, Art, and Economics & Philosophy, and NO one homeschool program could have prepared all of them for their paths. Instead, Sarah recommends prioritizing relationships and core skills (like reading), and the kids will fill in the specific gaps for what God calls them to do later in life. Smile at your kids, be a soft place to land, and when they get older, they’ll have an internal motivation and drive that will help them to be successful.
There’s a fine line between preparing our kids for their path and trying to walk their path for them. Even with the older kids, we can coach them and give advice, knowing that we can’t possibly prepare them for everything that God will call them to.
Our kids are so much more capable than we give them credit for. If we’re building good foundations, providing the loaves and the fishes, they’ll have what they need.
Things We MUST Know (34:57)
The book that Sarah has read more than any other book is The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. The Last Bookshop in London by Madeline Martin is the fiction book she recommends to the most people. The book that’s shaped her the most is For the Children’s Sake, by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.
Sarah is currently reading a book called Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore, by Robin Sloan. It can be described as Science Fiction Infused Literary Fiction. Sarah read the first book Sourdough and wanted to read more.
The go-to back-up meal in Sarah’s home is spaghetti.
When Sarah began homeschooling, she feels like she over-educated herself to the detriment of her actual children. She studied the books and the blogs more than the kids God put in front of her. Because of this, we measure our actual kids against a fictional idea of what they should be able to do at a certain time or age. Part of her wishes she could have had a little peek at the future, but then we wouldn’t need faith, we wouldn’t need to be on our knees every day.
Early on in parenting, Sarah had neighbors who were good at sports, and there was a family at her co-op that was gifted musically…her family holds none of these gifts. But they ARE book-ish and it’s pretty fun to see the quirkiness come out. Her son brought his book to the table and announced he was at the “All is lost,” (75-80% in…something Sarah would tell her kids when they’d want to stop reading a book at that point…which is a moment in every book). Their connection to literature (and one another) makes them special.
Sarah loves the idea of measuring ourselves from where we’re coming from rather than where we want to go. At the end of each day, both at work and personally, Sarah is writing down a win (things like having a great conversation with her 18-year-old) and it helps to make these things count.
More from Sarah Mackenzie
In addition to Read-Aloud Revival, Sarah has started a Publishing Company (Waxwing Books). She wrote some books, got an agent, and each time as they would get far in the acquisition process, the publisher would say the books were too “Classic.” So her husband suggested she start her own!
Waxwing has three picture books out now (that can be enjoyed by large families with kids of all ages), and the newest one, “Because Barbara,” is about Barbara Cooney. As Sarah began digging into her life, she discovered how she was a creative force who had a zest for life that she passed on to her kids.
The best place to find Sarah is Read Aloud Revival and the Read Aloud Revival Podcast. On her website, there’s a great Tool to help you choose a read-aloud for your family! You can also check out Waxwing Books to see what they’ve published AND what’s coming next!
Remember sweet momma,
you are doing beautiful work!
